You smell like a Billy Joel song
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
