Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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