I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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