I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
