Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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