Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
