whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
