I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
