I just saw a hot homeless man
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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