Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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