i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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