Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
