sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
