soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
