i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize