Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
