Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize