dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Randomize