the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
