friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
We left an ass print on the piano.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
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