I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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