just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
not ubering you a puppy
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
