There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
