not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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