I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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