youre lurking in front of me
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
