just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Randomize
