Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
