I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
