We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
