my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Randomize
