Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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