batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
