I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
