Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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