I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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