I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
