i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
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