dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
