I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
