your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Randomize
