Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
