So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
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