if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
