to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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