I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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