At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
