I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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