dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
so that wasnt chicken after all
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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