i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
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