I wish I could punch you in the face.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
