im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
