she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Randomize
